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Jake is just about to take a strike to score a winning goal at a amateur football match in his local park when all of a sudden, a long funeral procession passes by. He stops in mid swing, solemnly looks down, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. Other players stop in shock of his actions and then join him as they seem deeply impressed. One player says "That's the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen,".
Jake then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back - How do you control your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet bowl. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.
Please rate this joke on a scale of 1 - 5 where 1 is 'Not funny at all' and 5 is 'Hilarious' 1 2 3 4 5 Not funny at all Hilarious
A father calls his son a few days before Christmas. "Son, I am sorry to inform you, but your mother and I are getting a divorce." "What, are you crazy? Did you tell my sister in Wales yet?" "No, I did not. Please call her. It is too painful for me." "Dad, I am calling her right now and we shall both be in London tomorrow." The father hangs up the phone and shouts to his wife who is in the kitchen: "Hey, Rosemary, both kids will be here for the holiday and they are paying for their own tickets this time - result!"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "You can't eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a coupla bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda your wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"
A priest was walking down the street looking sad. "What happened," asked a parishioner? "I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella." "Here's what you do, priest. Next sermon talk about the 10 commandments and look around when you quote ‘thou shall not steal' and see who bows his head in shame." The next week the priest walks happily down the avenue, twirling his umbrella. The smart parishioner says "I see my advice worked." "Not exactly," said the priest, "when I reached ‘Thou shall not commit adultery', I remembered where I forgot it."
After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit his family. "But- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him. "Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath," mama asks. "Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath." "But kosher food you still eat?" asks mama. "Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher." The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?" The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, and then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh...errr…you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
The retiree replied, "Oh great! NOW you tell me!"
Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden" ...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
A couple met at Hilton hotel and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker." "I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Mujibar was applying for a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one." Mujibar said, "I am ready." The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready." The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.”
The manager: you got the job.
The Ten Commandments of Employment 1. If it rings, put it on hold. 2. If it clunks, call the repairman. 3. If it whistles, ignore it. 4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat. 5. If it's the boss, look busy. 6. If it talks, take notes. 7. If it's handwritten, type it. 8. If it's typed, copy it. 9. If it's copied, file it. 10. If it's Friday, forget it!
A shopkeeper was upset when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.'He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: ‘MAIN ENTRANCE.'
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. In my last job, everytime anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I like a good joke
If you were given the choice of telling a funny joke that could make either a woman or man laugh, who would you choose? and why?
Woman
Man
If you were given the choice of hearing a funny joke from either a man or a woman, who would you choose? and why?
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